I’ll Be Happy When …
Have you ever caught yourself saying, "I'll be happy when ...?" Perhaps you've thought, "I'll be happy when I get that promotion," or "I'll be happy when my kids clean up their room," or "When I go on vacation." Many of us have fallen into this trap, believing that happiness will come to us in the future when certain conditions are met. It's almost like putting all your eggs in one happiness basket.
I'll be the first to admit that I've fallen into this trap. As a busy mom with a demanding career and a long to-do list, it's easy to believe that happiness is something that I'll have time for later when things calm down or when I've achieved specific goals. But the truth is that happiness is not something that we should postpone or delay. It's something that we can cultivate within ourselves right now, at this moment, regardless of our external circumstances.
Research shows that our genes determine 50 percent of our happiness, 10 percent by our life circumstances, and 40 percent by our activities and mindset. This means that we have a great deal of control over our own happiness, even during challenging circumstances. Research has shown that happiness from individual events doesn't actually last that long. It's better to have lots of little happy moments than to hang our hats on one or two big ones. And one of the best ways to prolong feelings of happiness following an event is to relive what made you happy in getting to that event.
Here's the truth: happiness is not a destination we arrive at after achieving specific goals. Instead, happiness is a state of mind that we can cultivate and nurture within ourselves, regardless of our external circumstances.
I remember when we bought our first house. To say it was a fixer-upper is an understatement. I was thrilled that we finally had a home to call our own. Too quickly, I thought, "Well, I'll be happy when we get the right furniture, fix the foundation, have landscaping, and get a new kitchen." I didn't take the time to enjoy the moment of accomplishment, safety, and security of my home and dream about the future memories that would be created in this home, fixed up or not. I quickly went into planning for future happiness vs. simply enjoying and relishing in my current state of contentment.
Many years later, I still don't have that new kitchen, and there remains work to be done on the house. I shifted my mindset to focus on the feelings of safety my home brings me, the memories, the laughs, deep and meaningful connections with family, friends, and neighbors, the cuddles and unconditional love from our dog, and many, many, many meals prepared to bring nourishment to our bodies. My 1980's kitchen does the trick! I don’t need a new kitchen for happiness.
Let's talk about work. You can absolutely find happiness and joy in your work, and I hope that you do. After all, you spend 30% of your time working. When work aligns with your values and purpose, you cultivate relationships and build meaningful connections with the people around you. This will all help to bring you happiness. Getting that promotion you've been working so hard for. Sure, that will definitely bring you a burst of happiness. It will not be the only source of happiness nor provide lasting happiness necessary for our overall well-being.
We also know that whatever you think is the destination, i.e., the promotion, won't make you as happy as you'd like, and it may make you miserable if you don't get there. Overall, enjoying the little events along the way is better for your happiness and well-being. Go for the promotion, and get what you deserve, but don’t rely on the promotion for your happiness.
So why do we continue to believe that happiness is something that will come to us in the future? Perhaps it's because we've been conditioned to believe that success and achievement are the keys to happiness. But the truth is that happiness comes first, and success and achievement often follow as a result of our positive outlook and mindset.
How can we cultivate happiness in our lives, starting today? Here are a few tips that I've found helpful:
Choose activities that fit your personality, interests and feel natural for you. Engage in activities you enjoy and align to your values rather than be driven by guilt or other people's expectations.
Choose virtuous and meaningful activities rather than obsessing about feeling good all the time. Hedonism won't necessarily make you happy, even if you feel good in the moment. If we pursue pleasure, it shouldn't be at the expense of living a meaningful life. We also need to pursue a purpose and practice forgiveness, gratitude, and generosity—those give us a sense of competence, autonomy, and connection, which are core human needs.
Connect with others. Human beings are social creatures, and research shows that social connection is a key factor in our happiness. Even if you're an introvert or a busy mom, find ways to connect with others--whether it's through a phone call, text, or night out.
Commit to and put effort into the process. Unsurprisingly, people who invest more effort into their new habits see great improvements in their well-being.
Add variety to your daily routine. Doing an exercise—like writing gratitude letters—the same way over and over can mean that we become accustomed to it and don't reap as many benefits. You have to keep your brain alive to possibilities.
"People can create for themselves a steady inflow of engaging, satisfying, connecting, and uplifting positive experiences, thereby increasing the likelihood that they remain in the upper range of their happiness potentials," shared researchers Sheldon and Lyubomirsky in How Much of Your Happiness is Under Your Control.
Remember, happiness is not a destination that we'll arrive at someday in the future. It's a journey that we can choose to embark on right now, at this moment.
Wishing you all the best on your journey!